Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8 Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12 Page 13 Page 14 Page 15 Page 16 Page 17 Page 18 Page 19 Page 20 Page 21 Page 22 Page 23 Page 24 Page 25 Page 26 Page 27 Page 28 Page 29 Page 30 Page 31 Page 32 Page 33 Page 34 Page 35 Page 36 Page 37 Page 38 Page 39 Page 40 Page 41 Page 42 Page 43 Page 44 Page 45 Page 46 Page 47 Page 48 Page 49 Page 50 Page 51 Page 52 Page 53 Page 54 Page 55 Page 56 Page 57 Page 58 Page 59 Page 60 Page 61 Page 62 Page 63 Page 64 Page 65 Page 66 Page 67 Page 68 Page 69 Page 70 Page 71 Page 72 Page 73 Page 74 Page 75 Page 76 Page 77 Page 78 Page 79 Page 80 Page 81 Page 82 Page 83 Page 8474 GoodLifeFamilyMag.com JULY | AUGUST 2016 Your modeling of taking such responsibility will go very far in helping your children learn how to take responsibility themselves. Make sure that any person you are bringing into the lives of your children really is an acceptable person for them. Do a lot of vetting. If they have an ex-spouse—how do they treat him or her? If there is constant fighting with their co- parent, you will be bringing your children into that conflict. Obviously that is simply unhealthy. All of us have a desire to help others out and to rescue others but that is not the basis for a healthy relationship. Make sure you have the right motivation for getting into another relationship. Be sure to ask the tough questions about yourself and the person you may be bringing into the lives of the children. This is essential for the sake of your kids. STEP THREE: KNOW THAT ALL THE CHILDREN WILL BE MEASURING WHO IS GETTING WHAT, THE MOST, THE LEAST—AND WHO MIGHT BE LEFT OUT. All kids look at who is getting what and who might be getting the most. It is a part of what is called sibling rivalry and is necessary in all families for the kids to grow up well. This is especially true in a new, blended family. Some parents, in an attempt to make sure that everyone is getting equal time,money,consideration, etc., give more to the other parent’s children. This is understandable, but it will backfire with a lot of hurt feelings and a growing animosity towards the children’s biological parent—especially if they are teens. They will be watching to see who gets a room to themselves, who gets the biggest room and on and on. Good communication between the parent and child or children is essential. One family I know has a family meeting every week, to hear from the kids as a group, and then the biological parent meets with each of their children too, to hear from them individually to ensure that no one is feeling stepped on in the blended family. STEP FOUR: THE BIOLOGICAL PARENT DRIVES THE BUS FOR HIS OR HER KIDS, NOT THE STEP-PARENT. When families blend, some parents turn all the decision- making over to the other parent. In other families, one of the new parents decides to take over all the decision-making. Not only will this be the cause of a great deal of ill will, especially for teen kids, but it also can potentially be very damaging. The general common sense approach for dealing with kid issues is that the biological parent stays responsible for their own children. It is of course fine, behind closed doors, for the other parent to give input, but the biological parent must take the leadership in dealing with his or her own kids. This is important in issues like disciplinary actions and consequences that need to be dealt with, setting limits and boundaries and ensuring that chores and homework get done. Do not step too soon into roles of authority in the lives of the kids. “You’re not my mother/father.” Those words will be spoken, even if not aloud. Can a step-parent have some authority in the lives of their step-children? Of course, but it should be taken on little by little, with a focus on developing the relationship first and foremost. If there are older teens, it will be best to never step into that role. Leave this arena to the biological parent. STEP FIVE: KNOW THE ISSUES AND NEEDS OF ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE NEW BLENDED FAMILY, THE ADULTS AND EACH CHILD. There are many issues where there can be potential conflict, and therefore, very hurt feelings. These hurt feelings can be felt by either of the two adults and also by any of the children. Some issues you might want to consider: what schools will the kids attend; how will recitals, sports and extra-curricular activities take place and who will transport them; who will attend parent/teacher conferences; how will the parents address boundaries with electronics; how will the kids in each family share possessions; how will the family deal with the appearance (i.e. haircuts to piercings) of the kids. There can be differences between the ex-spouse’s income levels—one kid can get a car, another can’t—how are differences like that going to be handled? It’s easy to want to avoid talking about these things and put feelings of romance over the feelings of differences. It is best to see if the relationship can withstand talking and dealing with these issues prior to getting re-married than to take yourself and your children through another messy and hurtful break. It doesn’t have to be that way—new relationships can succeed. Take a look at the issues and decide early on how you both will handle these areas. Finally, be proactive in getting help. Putting two families together is no easy task. Visit with a family therapist, who has experience and can assist in looking at the difficult issues before they arise. Getting assistance from an outside, neutral party who has experience with families can do much to help your family blend, grow well, and endure the test of time. continued from FiveStepstoConsiderBeforeSteppingIntoaNewFamily | Page 37 “Can a step-parent have some authority in the lives of their step-children? Of course, but it should be taken on little by little, with a focus on developing the relationship first and foremost.” “Be sure to ask the tough questions about yourself and the person you may be bringing into the lives of the children.”