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46 GoodLifeFamilyMag.com JULY AUGUST 2015 Angela is SO lucky her girlfriends exclaim. The quiet shy sophomore has scored the boyfriend of the century. C.J. is a senior and the hottest guy in school. As her friends banter about why they dont all have boyfriends Angela and C.J. spend more time together sometimes seeming to blend into one person. When her friends complain that CJ keeps her from spending time with them Angela accuses them of being jealous. Eventually CJs controlling nature and explosive anger turn to violence. By then Angela has become isolated from the very people who could help her the most. Those of you who have seen Dont U Luv Me by local play- wright Linda Daugherty will recognize this all too common sce- nario in teen and unfortunately adult relationships. Males and females are affected though women are more commonly victims of physical violence. Controlling and abusive relationships hap- pen across all ethnic and socioeconomic groups. Recognizing them is the first stop toward ending a potentially tragic cycle. What healthy relationships look like People in healthy relationships know who they are or at least know who they are not. They have a sense of their own goals and are motivated to protect their own needs. They care strongly for their partners but expect to be treated well themselves. In a good relationship each person feels more confident about who he or she already is. Healthy partners celebrate the best in each other and do not try to make the other change for their own purposes. A good relationship makes it easier to be more of who you are not less or different. Healthy relationship partners encourage one another to pursue their individual talents and dreams. Teens in healthy relationships should find their grades go up not down. They learn to incorporate their new love interest into their lives finding ways to balance the desire for personal intimacy with the need to stay connected to the people and activities they care about. Healthy partners help each other handle hard stuff. Being happy is easy especially in the early phases of romance. What matters is how two people get through whats hard both within their relationship and when facing external stressors. They work together to handle conflicts through mutual problem-solving and compromise rather than trying to win the fight. What an unhealthy relationship looks like Unhealthy relationships start out great The beginning of a controlling relationship is full of flattery and passion. Heshe wants to be with you all the time and thinks youre the most awe- some person theyve ever met saying things like No one under- stands me like you do Jealousy over time spent with your friends and your family is sweet at first but becomes suffocating and even- tually hostile. Over time unhealthy partners become critical condescend- ing and controlling. They want to know where you are what youre doing and whom youre with at all times. You should wear this not that. You should be with me instead with the people or doing the things you care about. You should stop pursu- ing your dreams because youll never make it anyway. Even- tually come the direct insults and name calling. The abuser checks your texts and phone records. Heshe threatens to do something to harm you or your reputation e.g. send inappropriate pho- tos spread rumors etc. if you dont comply with their wishes. Victims begin to be- lieve it is their own fault. The abusive partner makes you feel ashamed or unworthy of anything better. You begin to be- lieve it when you are told Its your fault that I got upset or wrecked my car or failed my test You justify the behavior to others saying He was having a bad day or Well I made her mad because I forgot to run that errand. Commonly abusers threaten to kill themselves if you leave them. You begin to feel compelled to tiptoe around situations trying not to trigger any more outrage or violence. Eventually the victim becomes isolated from the very people they need to help them. After a while friends and even fami- ly stop trying to change your mind about your partner. They get used to you backing out of plans at the last minute. They give up hoping you will call them back. By the time you realize you need help it can be hard to find. Weeks months or even years laterRelationships can be- come physically or sexually abusive. Beware of suspicious of black eyes reports of accidentally tripping down stairs etc. What Parents Can Do Teach your children to demand what they deserve. Teens have the right to feel honored in their relationships to have their own space to keep their friends to include their family and to feel good about who they are. Teach them that relationships involve compromise but a good relationship should help a person feel more secure and confident without feeling the need to alter his or her identity. Teach communication and limit setting. Help your child to set and reinforce self-protective boundaries. Be willing to let them blame you for curfews technology limits time with family etc. Remember that no one asks to be abused. Unhealthy rela- tionships evolve over time. Abusers tend to be charismatic and Teen Relationships - Healthy or Not goodTO KNOW by Dr. Susan Sugerman Contributor Controlling and abusive relationships happen across all ethnic and socioeconomic groups. Recognizing them is the first stop toward ending a potentially tragic cycle. - Dr. Susan Sugerman