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20 GoodLifeFamilyMag.com MAY JUNE 2016 goodADVICE 6 DOS AND DONTS TO KEEP KIDS OUT OF THE CONFLICT Torn Between Two Parents Children caught in the middle between two conflicted parents is challenging to say the least. Parenting can already be quite daunting. Then throwing in high conflict between two adults it becomes sometimes beyond daunting. Mistakes are made. Troubles are magnified. Emotions are in high engine. And the price that gets paid too often is the child caught between the two adults. by Dr. Dean Beckloff DONT 1Dont talk about the other parent the other parents friends relatives or other relationships to the child.Thatll put the child right in the uncomfortable middle. 2Dont talk about the divorce or any other grown up business to the child.They do not need to know the truth as either parent sees it. Above all dont blame the other parent for the divorce or for anything to the child. 3Dont talk about money or child support to the child regardless of their age. Ive had high school students put in the uncomfortable position of having to hear how the other parent needs to pay for gas or whatever through the support given. 4Dont block visits or prevent the child from speaking to the parent by phone or make the child feel bad when with the other parent. Along with that dont ask questions that put the child in the position of feeling as if they are telling on the other parent. 5Dont send verbal or written messages to the other parent through the child. 6Dont ask the child where he or she wants to live.The child has two homes where they can be loved and cared for and where they can be themselves. DO 1Do realize that the child has two parents who each love him or her. No parent is perfect and you can support the relationship regardless of the flaws. 2Do allow the child to be the child.They do not need to know adult business and realize kids like to know adult business. But keep the child the child including teens. If you feel they are listening to adult business and they probably are change any topic that you may be discussing. 3Do realize that the child has two homes. Refrain from calling your home the home.CallbothhomestheirhometheirhomewithMomandtheirhomewith Dad. 4Dobeflexibleabouttimesthechildcanbeateitherhomeoratafriendshouse Especially as kids grow up they more and more are seeking to establish their own life. Dont get in the way of that natural and normal process. Be on their side of growing up and expanding their lives. 5Doacknowledgetheotherparentbepoliteandcordialespeciallyinpublicevents likepracticesandgamesorotherevents.Treatyourco-parentwithrespect.Doing lesswillmortifyyourchildwillputtheminthemiddlecreatetensionsthatthechild does not need and at the very least will do nothing to demonstrate good manners. Be polite. 6Do allow your kids to love both parents without restraint and to see each parent as much as possible. Be flexible even when it is not part of the regular schedule. And finally get help. Read books there are any number of good books now that can help parents avoid the pitfalls. Consult with a therapist who has experience in working with families who function in two homes. When there are mental health issues in one of the parents that is all the more reason to seek help. The kid or teen needs an outlet where they simply dont have to worry about who they might offend in other words a neutral party. Allofthiscanassurethatyourkidshaveagreatchanceofgrowing up well happily adjusted and that they will learn from these experiences in life. What does research tell us It tells us that kids dont have to suffer dont have to go through life with problems hanging over them from a divorce. But thats only if the conflict can be contained between the two parents and only if the parents can actually co-parent in a business-like manner following the dissolution of the marriage. Thats a tall order. With most of the folks I work with divorce is happening for very real reasons and there is already a lack of being able to communicate. And so it goes the troubled relationship of the adults can trouble the children caught in the cross hairs between the two parents. It doesnt have to be that way Children can not only survive but thrive after a marriage dissolution. The odds that are against the children can be confounded if the two parents are willing to selflessly work on rearing their children. There are a few knowns that we now know that can help in the process. With most of the folks I work with divorce is happening for very real reasons and there is already a lack of being able to communicate. And so it goes the troubled relationship of the adults can trouble the children caught in the cross hairs between the two parents. - Dr. Dean Beckloff