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40 GoodLifeFamilyMag.com MAY JUNE 2016 goodTO KNOW We live in a fairly privileged relatively low-stress time in history at least in terms of our day-to-day lives as Americans. Though there are definite exceptions many of us dont spend a lot of time worrying whether our children will have enough to eat access to schools or will be drafted for military service in a war zone. We live in a time when children are expected to graduate from high school and college is seen as a necessary step for achieving any long-term success in life. As a result much of childhood can seem like a race to college filled with building a strong resume that increases the chances of being accepted to the perfect school. Thus the very nature of childhoodand parentinghas changed. Families have become product-oriented organizations whose primary output is the success-ready child. As poignantly demonstrated in the documentary Race to Nowhere children are now raised to meet very narrow definitions of success. They measure their accomplishments in numbersstandardized test scores GPAs numbers of division titles batting averages and UIL ribbons class rankings and college acceptances. This puts all measures of worth in a position to be compared with other numbers. We have created a society where kids become unnecessarily and I would argue unhealthily competitive with their peers. In a world framed by bad good better and best children who are just developing their competencies at communicating with others learning how to learn adjusting to their changing bodies and understanding themselves have become a very stressed generation. We have lost the ability to tolerate variability in the progression of childhood. Yet we know that child development is uneven from person to person and even within the same child. A late bloomer may not develop the muscle strength to hit a home run until late in high school long after the varsity roster has closed. A precocious musician may become pigeonholed as a future concert pianist long before discovering joy in playing electric guitar in a garage band. The former is at risk for self-esteem problems after losing a spot on the team. The latter is at risk for burnout and resentment from not getting to explore other interests. Both likely spent hours pushing themselves to perform better possibly at the expense of other experiences and in the end may say For what As parents of these children we may be guilty of pushing them too hard. Or on the other hand we may be accused of not supporting their dreams enough. There is no right answer here. But we can also blame societys expectations. If your son doesnt take the extra hitting lessons if he doesnt make the select team by 7th grade his baseball career may be over. Only the best get to keep playing at some point there are no rec teams for kids who just like to play ball even if they arent great at it. If we allow the musician to take a break there is the fear that others will surpass her and then the scholarship opportunity goes to the more recent winner of the piano competition. If we push our kids to stay on the rat wheel are we helping or hurting And if we allowforce them to step off then what As a parent I often feel stuck between a rock and a hard place wanting to be brave enough not to go along with the system while fearing my child will miss out. How can we help our kids Start by redefining what you want for your child. Most adults I speak with say I just want my child to be happy. But then I ask what that really means. Does it mean material wealth Having access to the best opportunities Most when pressed tell me it means being content with their lives having meaningful relationships and having meaningful work. Certainly having one more award or one more division title isnt required to be that kind of person. Finding the Right Kind of Balance By Dr. Susan Sugerman Contributor The parent-child relationship is one of the most essential elements for genuine success in todays children. One of the greatest responsibilities parents have is to raise their children so they can leave the nest and become autonomous and successful members of society. Overparenting or what I refer to as loving our children to a fault is one of the greatest detriments to our children. Madeline Levine statesDont do for your kids what they can already do dont do for your kids what they can almost do because thats where they have those successful failures.Being a loving reliable available and consistent parent are some of the most essential qualities for a strong healthy parent-child connection. Following are some helpful tips for raising successful well-adjusted children in a competitive high-pressure world Take time to connect DAILY Allow them to make mistakes Have family meals Listen to their feelings and ideas Spend quality time together uninterrupted by technology Practice mindful stress reduction Allow opportunities for problem solving Teach emotional intelligence Foster resilience Focus on character not numbers Dont compare your children to others Accept your childrens weaknesses as valuable to developing their sense of self Nurture creativity Play ContributionmadebyMikiJohnstonLCSW.SheisanaffiliateofGirlstoWomen HealthandWellness. continued on page 74 PARENTING TIPS FOR GENUINE SUCCESS